I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
