Did we literally take a cab across the street
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
