so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
