Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
farters have to be the big spoon...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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