what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
