I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
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