I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
