When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
