my phone needs a breathalizer
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
do herpes really smell.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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