can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
