Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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