after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
