so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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