Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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