You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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