I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
