True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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