We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
