Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
