Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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