somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
