Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
