nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
