I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
