On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
