Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
