My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
How external is "for external use only"?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
