Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
