Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
