you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
