Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
