Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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