I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
