you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
