i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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