Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
