Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
