Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
