Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
