i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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