When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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