You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
