you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
