oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dear god my vagina.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
