So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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