At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
