It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
