Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
