I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
