Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
