I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
