His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
